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So, Desiree has titled this blog "Life Happens."  I think I may have mentioned somewhere that I'm not in love with this title.  But that's only because I have a superiority complex the size of Lake Superior.  Ha ha.  Seriously.  I do.  And that's what this post will be about.  So those who are faint of heart around conceit, please avert your eyes.

I'm a pretty talented person.  I'm also a pretty smart person.  I'm also a pretty nice person.  I feel good about these statements.  When I was finishing my Master's degree, I felt really great about myself.  I was happy with the work I was doing and with the people around me.  When I was at Ohio Light Opera last summer, I felt like the king of the world.  I not only enjoyed my work but I was also extremely good at it.  I had good relationships with the people around me.  I just felt awesome.  Feeling awesome made me act awesome-er.  It grew on itself.  And it wasn't just for me.  Other performers told me that they enjoyed being on stage with me because my confidence gave them confidence.  It was good all around.

Then I came here to Binghamton.  The program here has a lot of strengths and I am getting a lot from it.  I don't want to deny that.  (Here comes the but...)  But it has placed me in situations where I feel out of my element.  I have been left to question the level of talent and intelligence I always thought I had.  Sometimes I have even wondered if I'm not really as nice a person as I always thought.  Surprise, surprise- my ability to perform has diminished at a corresponding rate!  I guess it's kind of like Peter trying to walk to Jesus on the water.  If only I'd believe, I could do it.

So I guess this seems like an advertisement for arrogance.  If thinking I'm awesome makes me awesome, then why not be arrogant and be REALLY awesome?  That's only partially true.  At the same time that telling myself I'm good at singing high notes makes me sing high notes better, telling myself that I'm great at ping-pong will never change the fact that my hand-eye coordination rivals that of a 2 month old.  It's about knowing your strengths and owning them proudly.  And at the same time acknowledging who gave them to you.  Obviously God made me a performer.  (Insert joke about God having a vindictive sense of humor here.)  And many people have helped me shape that talent over the years.  Not the least of those contributors is myself.  I have worked hard for this and to deny myself that credit is dishonest and undermines my ability to "walk on the water" with out doubting myself.  I tried the other day to ask God to sing my arias for me and he told me not to be silly.  They are my arias and God doesn't want to take them away from me.  My strength.  My responsibility.

Additionally, there's a degree of humility necessary in this process.  When I don't feel good about myself and what I'm doing, there's always someone there to tell me that my work, though not perfect, still has merit.  My prideful tendency is stubbornly to deny this, thereby ignoring the gifts God has given me and the opinions and help of the one encouraging me.  This "false humility" is actually the real and dangerous arrogance in disguise.  Humility would teach me to "honor the divine" in both myself and all around me.  In other words: I'm awesome, you're awesome too.

So here's the cutesy part where I "bring it full circle."  This process is Life Happening.  I'm learning my relationship with God and myself.  It's happening through singing a leading tenor role in a Verdi opera.  For someone else it might be teaching a child to ride a bike, or dealing with a difficult co-worker.  But the human being I am becoming is the most important happening of my life.