Good old fashioned update

ATB: Hey Desiree.  What's up?

DB: Not much, How about you?

ATB: Oh, just writing a blog with you!

DB: Really?  What else has been going on lately?

ATB: Funny you should ask!  That leads us right to the title of the blog: "Good old fashioned update."  Well I guess the biggest news for me centers around the opera company here.  I got to sing a really great role in "Rigoletto" a couple of weeks ago.  It went pretty darn well.

DB: Yeah.  It did.  I should know.  I was there.  You sang the role of The Duke (sleazy guy that he is) really well.  Even if meant you had to make out with a couple of women. :)

ATB: I can't believe you told everyone that!  Don't worry everyone.  It was only onstage.  I got to sing lots of high notes and wear tights.  And have my hair curled.  And wear makeup.  This sounds worse and worse.  But really, it was fun and went really well.  And what do you mean by "I was there," Desiree?

DB: How nice of you to ask.  I had a great time being a "Super" (a person in an opera that does not sing).  There was a big party scene, and you can't have a party without women, and Verdi did not write any music for a women's chorus.  The result:  I wore a really pretty dress and makeup and flirted with a bunch of gay men (most of whom were twice my age) wearing makeup and tights.  It was a lot of fun to be onstage instead of backstage.  I think I might just try it again sometime.  What else has been happening for you, Anthony?

ATB: Well, now I'm rehearsing the Christmas opera "Amahl and the Night Visitors."  Some of you may remember when I directed it in 2006.  Now I'm singing Kaspar.  It's a nice role and more along the lines of things I'm used to singing.  Too bad you're not in this one too, Desiree.

DB: It will be a little weird not to be in this one too.  It was fun seeing you back stage and stuff.  It is nice to have my evenings available though.  After all, I have an 8-5 job.

ATB: An 8 2 5 job?  Why, whatever do you mean?

DB: I technically work for Kelly Services (temp agency) but I have been working every day at a place called STCR - stands for Southern Tier Cash Register.  Did you know Binghamton is in the "Southern Tier"?  Apparently it is what they call the part of New York that is not "The City" and not "Upstate".  Anyway, I am doing the billing for maintenance the company provides to its clients - independent grocery stores.

ATB: That's very informative!  But I wouldn't understand any of that.  I just sing high and try to look pretty.

DB:  Well, that is what you went to school for.

ATB:  Except for the looking pretty part.

DB: Yep.  You did not need school for that.  It just came naturally.  But I get the feeling that people don't want to hear us have a conversation like that (I am inserting that for Anneke's benefit.)  So, how about them Senators?

ATB: And by Senators, you mean the local hockey team?  I have no idea.  I still don't follow sports.  But speaking of things: Maybe we could tell people about our "Thanksgiving- Round 1" event.

DB: OK.  Here's the scoop.  We have a bunch of friends here that are a little bit like family, but the thing is- most of them are going to be with people that don't live in this area for the holiday.  So I thought we should have a dinner for all of us to just get together and have a nice time.

ATB: So you made a lemon meringue pie, a chocolate cream pie, an apple pie and a pumpkin pie.  Oh yeah, there was turkey and stuffing too.

DB: And all of our friends made things that are traditional for their Thanksgivings too.  Now I know how to make "Ellen Potatoes".  Ellen is one of our friends who thinks that if it involves the microwave it is cooking... I am so proud of her - she learned how to use a vegetable peeler and a hand mixer all in the same day.  And the potatoes were delicious.

ATB: So true.  So let's see... work, opera, friends... oh church!  Since we both voted Democratic for the presidential election, are we still allowed to go to church?

DB:  Silly, Anthony.  We have gone to church since then... and they even gave us callings too!  I am now on the activities committee and you teach sunday school for the 14 and 15 year olds.

ATB:  Well, it sounds like we're doing pretty well.

DB: I think so.  I think we both miss people in Salt Lake though.

ATB:  Yeah.  That's true.  But who knows where we will land next year.  I do have an audition with Utah Opera again this year!

DB: And with several other companies.  I am sure people don't want to hear about all the places that want to hear you sing.  How about we just tell them where you are going when we find out in February... or March... or April?

ATB: Fair enough.  Let's call this blog "good enough."

DB:  Ok.  Thanks for encouraging me to send everyone an update and even helping me make it happen.

ATB:  You bet.  It's only because I love you.

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So, Desiree has titled this blog "Life Happens."  I think I may have mentioned somewhere that I'm not in love with this title.  But that's only because I have a superiority complex the size of Lake Superior.  Ha ha.  Seriously.  I do.  And that's what this post will be about.  So those who are faint of heart around conceit, please avert your eyes.

I'm a pretty talented person.  I'm also a pretty smart person.  I'm also a pretty nice person.  I feel good about these statements.  When I was finishing my Master's degree, I felt really great about myself.  I was happy with the work I was doing and with the people around me.  When I was at Ohio Light Opera last summer, I felt like the king of the world.  I not only enjoyed my work but I was also extremely good at it.  I had good relationships with the people around me.  I just felt awesome.  Feeling awesome made me act awesome-er.  It grew on itself.  And it wasn't just for me.  Other performers told me that they enjoyed being on stage with me because my confidence gave them confidence.  It was good all around.

Then I came here to Binghamton.  The program here has a lot of strengths and I am getting a lot from it.  I don't want to deny that.  (Here comes the but...)  But it has placed me in situations where I feel out of my element.  I have been left to question the level of talent and intelligence I always thought I had.  Sometimes I have even wondered if I'm not really as nice a person as I always thought.  Surprise, surprise- my ability to perform has diminished at a corresponding rate!  I guess it's kind of like Peter trying to walk to Jesus on the water.  If only I'd believe, I could do it.

So I guess this seems like an advertisement for arrogance.  If thinking I'm awesome makes me awesome, then why not be arrogant and be REALLY awesome?  That's only partially true.  At the same time that telling myself I'm good at singing high notes makes me sing high notes better, telling myself that I'm great at ping-pong will never change the fact that my hand-eye coordination rivals that of a 2 month old.  It's about knowing your strengths and owning them proudly.  And at the same time acknowledging who gave them to you.  Obviously God made me a performer.  (Insert joke about God having a vindictive sense of humor here.)  And many people have helped me shape that talent over the years.  Not the least of those contributors is myself.  I have worked hard for this and to deny myself that credit is dishonest and undermines my ability to "walk on the water" with out doubting myself.  I tried the other day to ask God to sing my arias for me and he told me not to be silly.  They are my arias and God doesn't want to take them away from me.  My strength.  My responsibility.

Additionally, there's a degree of humility necessary in this process.  When I don't feel good about myself and what I'm doing, there's always someone there to tell me that my work, though not perfect, still has merit.  My prideful tendency is stubbornly to deny this, thereby ignoring the gifts God has given me and the opinions and help of the one encouraging me.  This "false humility" is actually the real and dangerous arrogance in disguise.  Humility would teach me to "honor the divine" in both myself and all around me.  In other words: I'm awesome, you're awesome too.

So here's the cutesy part where I "bring it full circle."  This process is Life Happening.  I'm learning my relationship with God and myself.  It's happening through singing a leading tenor role in a Verdi opera.  For someone else it might be teaching a child to ride a bike, or dealing with a difficult co-worker.  But the human being I am becoming is the most important happening of my life.